Sunday morning reflections.....

Sunday morning…….accounts and admin sans children…..and a couple of minutes with a cup of tea to pen my most recent thoughts and relax……..

I had my final appointment with Tracey before surgery goes ahead……went by myself…..the hospital, the baring of boobs, the professionals….I didn’t think they “fazed” me anymore! Ellie needed picking up and I was more comfortable with Jon doing that that her crying with someone else. 

The appointment was absolutely fine, more prodding, more poking but I felt Tracey did not at least spend the WHOLE time talking to my chest! Measurements were taken for implants. It was all straightforward. I found myself devoid of questions as I think I’d posed so many to nurse Helen! 

Much hilarity…..best date for the surgery ended up being my birthday! It was either end of May - which was a fairly secure date due to being after a bank holiday - or another date in June - moving the whole process back again, and also more uncertainty. It only took me a few hours to realise May was better. The fact it’s my birthday is neither here nor there now - I’ve spent enough significant dates doing things I would rather not have so have learnt celebrations can be flexible…….the rest of life (business, kids etc) not quite so. 

Oh…..and the medical photos! So weird. I didn’t expect to be sent down to a professionally set up studio in the hospital basement. And have a younger guy just stand there and snap away while I bared all. I don’t know how I envisaged the photos being taken - but it wasn’t like that. Doesn’t make any other photoshoot feel at all daunting any more! 

For the first time last night since the beginning of all this, I struggled to get to sleep. Surgery with 6 weeks recovery (give or take) is pretty big! It is sinking in. I need to have some strong visual reminders that this is a good journey, a positive journey, a preventative and empowering journey…..something my future self will be thankful for. Off to research some ideas!

Feeling SHIT and finding the good...

The past few months I’ve really come to peace with this risk reducing journey but today? Well, I feel shit! Yesterday I finally got my referral letter through to see the surgeon - hopefully for the last time before surgery - and, I guess, it just made that reality come a step closer.

That in just a couple of months the boobs I developed will have gone.

No more milk. No more warm boobs. No more sensation.

No more nipples.

Gone! 

I’ve learnt that it’s ok to have brief pity parties. I think you could say I’m currently entitled to a fair few right now. 

But I’ve also learnt that prolonging it isn’t great either! 

So, now, on paper I am going to DECLARE OUT LOUD why this journey is a good thing. I am going to take control of my perception of what’s going on and I am going to tell you why it is a positive milestone in life. Not something to be scared of, or change me for the worse, not something to cry about (well, not too much anyway)

3 reasons I feel grateful for this journey: 

Firstly, and most importantly, I have been given the opportunity to significantly reduce my risks of developing breast and ovarian cancer. The Royal Marsden BRCA1 and 2 patient guide states the average risk of a woman developing breast cancer in their lifetime is 12.5%; however, women with a BRCA1 variation have a 60-90% lifetime risk. Having a BRCA1 gene variation also increases the chance of that breast cancer developing earlier in life, and also having repeat breast cancers rather than one single incident. 

Knowledge is power; as I have been tested and was found to have a BRCA1 mutation, I have chosen to reduce my risk by having a preventative double mastectomy. By doing this, my lifetime risk of breast cancer falls to 5%, which is a lesser risk than the general population. 

And so, I am grateful for this journey; of discovering my inherited risks and being able to reduce them

Secondly, discovering my BRCA1 mutation enables my children to do the same. 

And so, I am grateful for this journey; I have empowered myself. Hopefully the same information will empower my children to make life saving choices for themselves also.

Thirdly, it has encouraged me to take control of other areas of my health. Although the mastectomy is one of the biggest steps I can take in reducing my risk of breast cancer, lifestyle factors also play a part in cancer development. When I learnt of the BRCA1 mutation, I began to take control of my diet. Previous to the past year, I would describe myself as an emotional eater. I had a massive sugar addiction; I used it to regulate my mood, some days I would plan my day around where I could go to get a sweet treat.

I took a gradual approach to changing my diet. I love variety in what I eat so I discovered healthy recipes that still packed a full flavour. I gradually eased off snacking by replacing the plentiful sugar snacks with almonds. 

The next step is to do more exercise…..yeah, I’m still working on this one….I think I need to write down some goals! 

And so, I am grateful for this journey; for kick-starting a new attitude towards my health and lifestyle