Sunday morning reflections.....

Sunday morning…….accounts and admin sans children…..and a couple of minutes with a cup of tea to pen my most recent thoughts and relax……..

I had my final appointment with Tracey before surgery goes ahead……went by myself…..the hospital, the baring of boobs, the professionals….I didn’t think they “fazed” me anymore! Ellie needed picking up and I was more comfortable with Jon doing that that her crying with someone else. 

The appointment was absolutely fine, more prodding, more poking but I felt Tracey did not at least spend the WHOLE time talking to my chest! Measurements were taken for implants. It was all straightforward. I found myself devoid of questions as I think I’d posed so many to nurse Helen! 

Much hilarity…..best date for the surgery ended up being my birthday! It was either end of May - which was a fairly secure date due to being after a bank holiday - or another date in June - moving the whole process back again, and also more uncertainty. It only took me a few hours to realise May was better. The fact it’s my birthday is neither here nor there now - I’ve spent enough significant dates doing things I would rather not have so have learnt celebrations can be flexible…….the rest of life (business, kids etc) not quite so. 

Oh…..and the medical photos! So weird. I didn’t expect to be sent down to a professionally set up studio in the hospital basement. And have a younger guy just stand there and snap away while I bared all. I don’t know how I envisaged the photos being taken - but it wasn’t like that. Doesn’t make any other photoshoot feel at all daunting any more! 

For the first time last night since the beginning of all this, I struggled to get to sleep. Surgery with 6 weeks recovery (give or take) is pretty big! It is sinking in. I need to have some strong visual reminders that this is a good journey, a positive journey, a preventative and empowering journey…..something my future self will be thankful for. Off to research some ideas!

Waiting...

Ellie’s at nursery, and I’ve just had a moment to put my work down and write about all that’s happened over the past few months BRCA1 journey wise. 

I recovered from the September gene clinic which really was a shock to the system. Meeting all the specialities at once was good calendar wise but overwhelming! So overwhelming. There were tears afterwards, and sadness, but it did pass. 

Two months after I travelled to East Grinstead to meet Martin Jones, an amazing reconstructive surgeon specialising in using other body tissue to recreate the breasts. This was really helpful and he was an absolute gentleman, putting me at ease as soon as I stepped into the room. It helped that I only spent a few minutes de-robed, and most of the consultation happened with clothes on! Martin explained he could use thigh fat to reconstruct the breasts (up to about a C cup size). He showed me lots of photos of his previous work and I was amazed by how neat and natural some of it looked. However, just as I was about to submit my body as a living work of art to East Grinstead hospital, he pointed out that the hair travels with the tissue………and I didn’t fancy hairy boobs (especially pubic hair!)…….so as impressed as I was, I made my mind up to go back to Tracey at Royal Surrey and go with implants. 

After this, I had a very frustrating wait for various specialities before being able to go back to Tracey. A prolonged case of telephone tennis finally landed me an appointment with Helen, one of the breast care nurses. I was curious about the implants, the surgery and the recovery and after 90 minutes of her time I felt we left no stone unturned! 

My final challenge before the surgeon appointment was to book in with the consultant psychologist, another necessary step in the pathway before committing to surgery. I’d been waiting for an appointment since September, and then, just out of the blue in February I managed to get an appointment 2 days later. 

Katherine was fantastic; one of those people who is positive, yet realistic, who reassures you, builds you up and gives you plenty of space to talk. I honestly did not think it was possible to spend 90 minutes talking about my relationship with my boobs (peppered with a lot of stray chatter as we both seemed to like to talk!) - however it was. And although at the time I didn’t feel it necessary, the meeting has helped me affirm my feelings and has really boosted my morale along such a tough journey. I think it would be hard to meet Katherine and NOT leave feeling better - whatever you happened to be going through. And I did not feel run down in the first place! 

So, for now, I’m back to waiting. Waiting for an appointment for Tracey; which will hopefully lead to a more concrete idea of surgery dates. I’m trying to be patient. I’m ok at it ;)

Slowly moving through this journey, I’ve become to realise the waits have been both bad and good. Bad - in that I’m really bored of basing my life around the prospect of surgery. Of not being able to book holidays and trips away for the family. Of not knowing whether those concert tickets we’ve bought are useable. Bad in that I recruited an assistant for the business mainly so that she could cover for me while I was out of action post-reconstructive surgery. And the longer things drag on, the higher the chance that she may not be there for me when I need her. 

But good, good in that the more time I have to absorb the information, the more convinced I am that surgery is the right pathway. The more I come across people who’ve walked the same path, who can encourage and inspire.